Azkaban: My Home Away From Home
by a drop of golden sun
Summary: Bellatrix Lestrange, convicted torturer of Frank and Alice Longbottom, known Death Eater and rumored psychopath, has finally broken out of Azkaban prison. To celebrate this impossible feat, she writes a letter to her sister Narcissa. One Shot/Parody.


**Disclaimer:** The characters and events portrayed in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author, nor is the author in any way affiliated with J.K. Rowling. Also, all characters are of Rowling's creation.

Author's Note: Don't be afraid to laugh. That is what this is intended for.

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Dear Cissy,

As you may know, to the Dark Lord's delight, I, along with Dolohov, Rookwood, and countless others have finally broken out of that crackpot prison, Azkaban. I am very pleased to state that the Dark Lord has promised to reward us graciously, which can mean only one thing; He's got a good mission cooked up for us.

I could feel the dark mark burning fiercely last night, and I just knew it was time.

As much as I am ecstatic to return to the Dark Lord's company, I think I might just miss ol' Azkaban. It was fun, you know? Like a summer vacation home, with a vacation of sixteen years or so.

Azkaban has Dementors, yes, and they aren't the most pleasant creatures; Not tea-and-crumpets-worthy, anyhow. But I think I'm going to miss them most. Dementors are the only living things (aside from the Great Dark Lord, of course) that can hold a candle to my torture skills. And they're not even human! I'm not even sure if they're alive...

Would you happen to know much about Dementors?

Oh well, I'm still going to miss them. And, as soon as they join the Dark Lord, maybe we can sit down over tea and crumpets, and exchange terrorization plans...

But that sounds quite far-fetched, does it not?

What I am also going to miss is bullying my cellmates. That was most definitely the best part of Azkaban. As most of them had lost their minds (They just weren't cut out for evil, the ninnies...) they were very easy to inflict physical and emotional pain upon. I miss the wails of fear and outright despair, then the Dementoids would come gliding up, and take 'em to a more secure cell. By the thirteenth year, I had a cell all to myself. Until dear old Dolohov joined me, having tortured his cellmates too.

I knew at once that having Antonin there would be a good thing. We were up late, every night, cooking up escape plans, and imagining how wonderful life would be after the Dark Lord once again rose to power.

And of course, two years ago our disgraceful criminal cousin (I think he was framed. He's too goody-goody to have committed murder) actually slipped away! I am not sure how, but he did. Weird, huh?

Anyways, last year, when the Dark Lord gloriously came back to his human form, Dolohov and I wanted so desperately to return to his side, to react to the searing, hot burn of our forearms. Unfortunately, the whole bloody "prisoner" idea meant we were to stay in our cell and only imagine the glorious scene: The Dark Lord, human again; His new body, and being able to touch ickle Potty-kins. And not only touch, but kill! Yet, no such thing happened.

The ruddy brat got away from the greatest sorcerer of all time, at the height of his power, yet again!!! It is crazy how he could have escaped, being an idiot teenage boy. It's the old geezer, Dumbledore, that's been keeping him alive.

You know what? We should throw the Dark Lord a _Yay-You're-Back-to-Power-and-Totally-Awesome_ welcome back party! We could have pin-the-tail-on-the-Hippogriff and a Potter Piñata! And fire whiskey!

I haven't had fire whiskey in sixteen years...yes, alcohol will do me good...

And if all else fails, we can pick up some good muggles to torment...the Cruciatus Curse hasn't been on my lips for so long...

Or, instead of a party, we could just have Severus murder the geezer.

But of course, he wouldn't do that! Because then, he'd be unemployed! Merlin forbid!

If you were here, you would've just seen me spit at the ground, imagining ol' grease head's face, then stomping vigorously.

I'm surprised that Severus is still alive. If I were the Dark Lord (Which I, unfortunately, am not capable of, being as I'm not _half_ as powerful as he...) then I would have gone all Avada Kedavra on him. I don't know what the Dark Lord sees in him. He's not even pureblooded!

Ugh, although I detest Severus, the Dark Lord is (oddly) fond of him, so, I have no say in that.

Where was I? Oh yes. Torture and pain. Music to my ears.

Oh, unfortunately, I have to end this letter now, for I have run out of parchment.

Thank you for listening, dear Narcissa.

Your sister,  
Bella

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End file.
